Relationships Pt 2

Hot & Cold
Yes & No
In & Out
Up & Down
Wrong & Right
Black & White



being bipolar and borderline personality i have a hard time maintaining any relationships.

If people get to close I feel like I'm suffocating so I push them away.
If I'm having a bad day, I push people away.
If I feeling lonely I cling to them.

I know I'm a hard person to be in any kind of relationship with.

I feel like I should have a warning label on my head about how complicated and emotionally fucked i am.

Relationships Pt 1

 Pushing Me Away- Linkin Park

I've lied to you
The same way that I always do
This is the last smile
That I'll fake for the sake of being with you

(Everything falls apart
Even the people who never frown
Eventually break down)
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
(Everything has to end
You'll soon find we're out of time left
To watch it all unwind)
The sacrifice is never knowing

Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see your testing me pushes me away

I've tried like you
To do everything you wanted too
This is the last time
I'll take the blame for the sake of being with you

(Everything falls apart
Even the people who never frown
Eventually break down)
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
(Everything has to end
You'll soon find we're out of time left
To watch it all unwind)
The sacrifice is never knowing

Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
(We're all out of time
This is how we find how it all unwinds)
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
(We're all out of time
This is how we find how it all unwinds)
The sacrifice is never knowing
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
Pushes me away

Insight on Bipolar

I was asked to explain Bipolar, and I was going to just simply reply in an email, but... I haven't written here in a while and I think this blog can show some light on what it's like better than I can explain.

I was diagnosed when i was fourteen with bipolar. I had tried to take my life and was sent away to a mental hospital, and that is when the diagnosis was made as well as pills showed up in my life.

Bipolar: Everyone's symptoms vary, I have a friend that when he is manic from bipolar he's extremely angry, for me when I'm manic I'm extremely depressed. It all depends on how our emotions and brain are connected I guess.
For me I like to say I have three main emotions when related to bipolar. Red/Blue/Purple
Red= rage, Blue= depression, Purple= calm, with a good mix of both of those emotions but yet I can control them. Also throughout years of therapy I've learned that my rage is probably just depression I've turned into a different form.

My main symptoms for bipolar are:
RED: insomnia, binge eating at night, restlessness, extremely agitated, over drive in sex drive, I tend to attract towards risky behavior that could really hurt me, my mind wont shut up and i get all these thoughts from different directions, rapid mood shifts, rage episodes, paranoia, vindictive, chaotic,
BLUE: sleeps too much, NO sex drive, suicidal thoughts or tendencies like cutting, EXTREME hopelessness, extreme reactions, emotions are exaggerated and theatrical, feeling of uncertainty of myself and relationships,
PURPLE: talk too fast, sex drive, separation insecurities, over analytical, fears of rejection/abandonment, sensitive, child like, obsessive compulsive, extremely jealous, over analytical of EVERYTHING, Thinks too much,  I move too quickly in relationships, others emotions have a big affect on mine, self sabotaging of relationships and myself, and oh am i indecisive.

^^^ I'm currently somewhat medicated. I'm controlling my meds myself because I felt almost over drugged, I like to FEEL emotions just when I get manic, like last year, I was ready to end my life. So I know I need some sort of medication to help me control my emotions.

I made this last year, kind of like a weather map of sorts explaining how my bipolar works...