Commitment Phobia/ Self Sabotage Relationships

          

Commitment Phobia... who knew there was such a thing. Turns out that many bipolars believe that the hardest part of being in a relationship with others is that we have a fear/phobia of those who we are to get close to in the relationship, the relationship itself, or the commitment. 

I know what if the phobia is related to..
✯ self-worth
✯ overthinking issues
✯ past experiences (being cheated on/heart broken.)
✯ Anxieties
✯ Fear of not finding the perfect/ "right" person
✯ Trust issues
✯ Previous trauma/ abuse
✯ Attachment issues/ unmet needs as a child
✯ Complicated family problems
✯ Whatever else

          

Ways we tend to self sabotage:
💣 Making up excuses as to why it won't work and believing them
💣 Making up a fantasy in our brains and living it. The illusions that bipolars are known for.
💣 Being overly critical of ourselves/our partner
💣 Avoiding honestly and open communication/ shutting them out
💣 Being sneaky or not trusting from the beginning
💣 Playing the parent
💣 Being thoughtless
💣 Comparing your relationship to past relationships or comparing yourself to his ex's
💣 Indecisiveness
💣 Testing them to see how much they can take
💣 Jealousy
💣 Asking for too much too fast/moving too fast
💣 Clingy-ness/neediness
💣 Focusing only on sex
💣 And
💣 Much
💣 Much
💣 More.

Binge Eating and Bipolar

Something I have struggled with on and off all my life is binge eating. I didn't learn till my late teens that it's an actual eating disorder.

Those with Bipolar tend to have interesting eating habits when they are having an episode or are in a mania, whether high or low. It's either eating nothing or everything. For me, it's everything.




I'm not even hungry most of the time. I just eat everything in sight until I feel so full. And after I feel like shit and hate myself and disgusted for doing it but yet I do it again and again because I'm basically addicted to food right now.

Thank you Bipolar for fucking with me like this.

Loving a Bipolar.

You know how they say that love can be a roller coaster? Imagine being on a roller coaster that goes to the highest mountain and then swoops down to the lowest cave, and is constantly moving up and down. To the clouds and under the ground. A few parts of the ride have the steady even pace to try to even out the insane ups and downs but it will never ever really be evened out.

That's how I feel it is like to be in a relationship with those of us who are Bipolar, at least most of us.

When you get on the coaster, you think you have an idea of what comes along with the ride, but until you're on it, you really have no idea.
 

  The coaster could be month to month, week to week, day to day, hour to hour, or even quicker. Depending on the day, the time of the year, the emotional state, how well the person is dealing with their bipolar, it all just depends.

It takes a strong person to love and accept a bipolar. Those of us with bipolar tend to hurt those we care about the most. Not purposely, I promise you this. We know it's hard to love us and we apologize in advance.

When you fall for a person with bipolar it's red or blue, and sometimes purple. High, Low, Steady. Mood swings, insecurities, aggression, sadness, restlessness/irritability, impulsiveness, unpredictability, over thinking, fear, depression, loss of interest, anxiety, hyper and hypo activity, sleeping and eating issues... The list goes on. It's hard enough for us to deal with our own-selves, let alone having someone accept us.

We know it's rough. And we don't want to be fixed. We want someone to accept our flaws like everyone else. We know that having this emotional/mental illness is one of the last things someone wants on their plate, but we deserve love just as much as a mentally/emotionally healthy person. In fact, we actually feel (most of us anyways) that we deserve it even more. Give us security, give us love, give us a chance.

-Happy Pills/Jollie Jellies-

A common issue with most bipolars is that we don't want to be medicated. Either because we feel we don't need it initially, we are on a high and feel we don't need it anymore, we don't want to be medicated our whole lives, we don't like the affects of the medications, or others.

The problem is, being bipolar is like being a Diabetic, we HAVE to take our medication or else we will eventually have horrible things happen to us as a result.

The crazy thing, as much as most of us know this, from experience, we still go off our meds frequently.

Another sucky thing is, often times when you are bipolar, you not only have to take Bipolar, mood stabilizer pills but you also need to take antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds as well. The biggest reason for this is when someone has a bipolar episode they suffer from manic depression.

So I've made a few things. First is a chart. It has a list Mood Stabilizers, Anti-Depressants and Anti-Anxiety pills. In each chart the medication that is bolded are medications I know for sure I've been prescribed to since I started this whole journey. I know I've been on more but I can't remember the names of everything. Those that are highlighted are what I am on now.



Honestly I don't really feel THAT different when I'm on medication negative wise. I feel more stable, that's for sure. I do go off it here and there for a few weeks at a time or so just so I can feel those insane highs, but with highs come lows. And once the lows come I go back on the meds. I know it's not safe what I do. I went cold turkey off all my meds last year and almost killed myself, I had withdraw symptoms. I never knew that you could get withdraw from going off mood stabilizers, but you can. It feels like SHIT. I know that in order for me to be healthy emotionally and physically I have to be medicated. I KNOW this. Trust me I know this.

But I also know that I like to feel all the colors of the rainbow, per say. Sometimes I wish I could ask my doctor to lower my dosages just so I could feel the bipolar more. I know that sounds crazy, or maybe it doesn't to those who suffer from it. I was given these emotions, and I have had them for over ten years. I believe that God gives us things that only we are strong enough to handle. So why not really FEEL for once, but safely. I feel like if I bring this up to someone who is a professional they will say I am crazy.
What do you think?



Next is this silly thing I made on why many of us don't like to be medicated, or stay medicated. I know there are other reasons, these were just things I have said before and hear a lot from friends and family.




I wish that those with bipolar could live without being medicated, but I honestly don't believe we could live without medication. This is something we have no control of, it's a chemical imbalance in our brains. So unless they come out with something they can zap our brains with to fix it (though I'm not sure I want to be fixed.) then I don't believe that one with manic highs and lows can ever live a safe, full, happy life without some kind of medication to help.




Now something to make you laugh:

Indecisiveness

So it looks like I'm going to be updating this when I realize I am doing said behavior of topic. lol, so I will be the guinea pig of my own blog.

I'm pretty sure the whole emotions changing all the time doesn't help with us keeping our mind set on something. Especially when it's a decision based upon our emotions. People have a field day with me because of my constant change of mind. But I'm not in the same constant state of mind. Males especially, because it's with them where my emotions play a huge part and therefore my indecisiveness is right there. I'm like the bull where a male is waving that red flag. I go head on starting but as soon as the flag goes down my emotions change and I rethink what I just decided upon and as soon as the red flag comes back up, it's another mentality due to emotional switching.





"Indecision is just one of many possible cognitive deficits brought about by bipolar disorder. It is most often associated with the depressive phases of manic depression, something ironed out of irony itself as this is a phase when sufferers must be able to act and progress forward. You can never get out of a rut if you can never decide on things that conceive the rut around you." -http://twopartshealth.com/mental-health/bipolar-disorder/indecision-an-arduous-bipolar-symptom/

So... how does one with bipolar fix their indecisiveness? Well I know how to fix my situation I just choose not to.



And this is where being a human being comes to play. Do you follow your heart or your brain?

Do you do what you know is right for you or do you keep jumping onto the merry go round for something that gives you anxiety up the wa-zoo and stresses out other people because you are constantly changing your mind?

I think it really depends on the situation. If it's REALLY important, then most of us, even those of us who are hard headed, will do what is right and leave the situation... but if it's something that your life doesn't depend on like a life or death situation or money or something that will affect your life strongly in the long run, (though it may and we have no idea...) then, if you are like me, you'll play this stupid game.

I know when I am being indecisive, I'll tell the person too, even though it's blatantly obvious. It's like I'm wearing a bright yellow shirt that says, "HELLO, My name is Indecisive."



Another fix? you know what is always suggested for those with bipolar.



Then there is the backtracking. Figure out what caused this "episode" or mixed feelings and mixed thoughts.



And of course, don't over think something. I'll make an entry about that soon. We bipolars...


over think WAY too much and that gets us in trouble.

So in closing, yes... those of us with Bipolar can be EXTREMELY indecisive. Most of the time we are COMPLETELY aware of it too. It also TOTALLY frustrates us as much as those on the other side.

Weird Sex Swings

hypersexual one hour and has no sex drive the next?


Well, the way I see it, we all, whether we have a mental illness or not, have some kind of split personality syndrome. Some of us act like a totally different person with different groups of people, online vs offline, at work vs home. Various reasons, various things, have different parts of our personalities rule over us.

That's kind of what I consider this. It's to me, a type of Bipolar/BPD sexual split personality.

Sometimes those of us have two different personalities, one for when we are turned on/horny, and another for when we are well, in a not so sexual mind set.

When one is in a turned on/horny mind set feelings tend to be:

• Extreme hypersexuality
• Spontaneous
• Reckless
• Impulsive
• Attention Seeking
• More self focus or focus on pleasuring the person they are with (The Dom vs sub mentality)

But as fast as those feelings come, and the persona as one could call it appears, it quickly fades once a person hits an orgasm. The "high" from the sex fades.

It can be extremely annoying and it gives off mixed signals.



So if you are with someone who seems to go from being extremely sexual to not sexual at all, they might be like this. Trust me, it's as frustrating for them, as it is for you.

Sexual Promiscuity

It would figure that I would start this adventure with a serious topic, one in which I had no idea how to make it comical. I did find one picture, it made me chuckle but might offend others.

(But really, don't Just do it.)

Some may wonder, of all the topics I could write about why pick this one first? 

It's one I can personally relate with and it's one I've seen those I know that have bipolar struggle with the most. Also it's one that I know is most questioned, misunderstood, and such. 

WHY???

• To feel loved, feel desirable, comfort, to get attention, to avoid that empty/lonely feeling
• To punish themselves
• It's a risky/dangerous activity
• to get that "high" from sex
• Loss of self control
• Impulsive
• (severe) Hyper-sexuality

It becomes an addictive cycle- One starts it to get rid of that empty/lonely feeling/to feel loved/get attention but then once it's over the feelings after happen and make you feel 10x making you want to find someone else to fill the void once again. 

Emotions After:

Dirty, Used, Useless, Unwanted, Lonely, Regret, Remorse, ect.

I can't tell you why those of us who have Bi-Polar tend to have times of being sexual Promiscuous. I can give you some reasons as to why I've done it in the past (see above), as well as to tell you that I know that I can't blame the fact that I'm Bi-Polar on the fact that I acted this way. We all have will power, and we all choose when to turn it on and off and to use it and when not to. I'm not going to say it is easy when we feel these feelings, to just say no. I can also tell you that the majority of the time we feel super regretful and used right after or soon after it happens. Especially once back on meds and once our emotions steady most of us are extremely regretful and remorseful.