Manic Highs vs Manic Lows

High: "At first when I'm high, it's tremendous ... ideas are fast ... like shooting stars you follow until brighter ones appear... All shyness disappears, the right words and gestures are suddenly there ... uninteresting people, things, become intensely interesting. Sensuality is pervasive, the desire to seduce and be seduced is irresistible. Your marrow is infused with unbelievable feelings of ease, power, well-being, omnipotence, euphoria ... you can do anything ...” -unknown

Low: “The fast ideas start coming too fast and there are far too many ... overwhelming confusion replaces clarity ... you stop keeping up with it … memory goes. Infectious humor ceases to amuse. Your friends become frightened ... everything is now against the grain ... you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and trapped.” -unknown

As a Bipolar who either feels Manic highs or lows and is comfortable feeling the middle ground I thought it'd be interesting to show the spectrum a bit.

I was talking to a classmate and he has the extreme high of bipolar where as usually when I am in a mania it's the lower side. It was interesting comparing the differences with him. He said that being on the higher end the way his empathy works is he feels the OPPOSITE of what others feel. At first I thought it would be more comfortable feeling that but then I realized not so much.

As a person who doesn't really feel an even line of emotions without really trying to, my highs and lows are EXTREMES. When I feed on others emotions now it is extreme. If someone is mad, I'm enraged, if someone is sad, I'm extremely depressed. So imagining feeling the extreme opposite of someone would be horrific.

I hope this shows a better understanding of what it's like on the other side of our disorder.

Relationships Pt 2

Hot & Cold
Yes & No
In & Out
Up & Down
Wrong & Right
Black & White



being bipolar and borderline personality i have a hard time maintaining any relationships.

If people get to close I feel like I'm suffocating so I push them away.
If I'm having a bad day, I push people away.
If I feeling lonely I cling to them.

I know I'm a hard person to be in any kind of relationship with.

I feel like I should have a warning label on my head about how complicated and emotionally fucked i am.

Relationships Pt 1

 Pushing Me Away- Linkin Park

I've lied to you
The same way that I always do
This is the last smile
That I'll fake for the sake of being with you

(Everything falls apart
Even the people who never frown
Eventually break down)
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
(Everything has to end
You'll soon find we're out of time left
To watch it all unwind)
The sacrifice is never knowing

Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see your testing me pushes me away

I've tried like you
To do everything you wanted too
This is the last time
I'll take the blame for the sake of being with you

(Everything falls apart
Even the people who never frown
Eventually break down)
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
(Everything has to end
You'll soon find we're out of time left
To watch it all unwind)
The sacrifice is never knowing

Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
(We're all out of time
This is how we find how it all unwinds)
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
(We're all out of time
This is how we find how it all unwinds)
The sacrifice is never knowing
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
Pushes me away

Insight on Bipolar

I was asked to explain Bipolar, and I was going to just simply reply in an email, but... I haven't written here in a while and I think this blog can show some light on what it's like better than I can explain.

I was diagnosed when i was fourteen with bipolar. I had tried to take my life and was sent away to a mental hospital, and that is when the diagnosis was made as well as pills showed up in my life.

Bipolar: Everyone's symptoms vary, I have a friend that when he is manic from bipolar he's extremely angry, for me when I'm manic I'm extremely depressed. It all depends on how our emotions and brain are connected I guess.
For me I like to say I have three main emotions when related to bipolar. Red/Blue/Purple
Red= rage, Blue= depression, Purple= calm, with a good mix of both of those emotions but yet I can control them. Also throughout years of therapy I've learned that my rage is probably just depression I've turned into a different form.

My main symptoms for bipolar are:
RED: insomnia, binge eating at night, restlessness, extremely agitated, over drive in sex drive, I tend to attract towards risky behavior that could really hurt me, my mind wont shut up and i get all these thoughts from different directions, rapid mood shifts, rage episodes, paranoia, vindictive, chaotic,
BLUE: sleeps too much, NO sex drive, suicidal thoughts or tendencies like cutting, EXTREME hopelessness, extreme reactions, emotions are exaggerated and theatrical, feeling of uncertainty of myself and relationships,
PURPLE: talk too fast, sex drive, separation insecurities, over analytical, fears of rejection/abandonment, sensitive, child like, obsessive compulsive, extremely jealous, over analytical of EVERYTHING, Thinks too much,  I move too quickly in relationships, others emotions have a big affect on mine, self sabotaging of relationships and myself, and oh am i indecisive.

^^^ I'm currently somewhat medicated. I'm controlling my meds myself because I felt almost over drugged, I like to FEEL emotions just when I get manic, like last year, I was ready to end my life. So I know I need some sort of medication to help me control my emotions.

I made this last year, kind of like a weather map of sorts explaining how my bipolar works...

Bipolars moving too quickly in relationships

 

If you're Bipolar I have some questions for you...

1. Do you idealize your new date as if they are perfect?
2. Do you think of the new person in your life as the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with? (Planning out the future in your head before actually going on a first real date with them?)
3. Are you constantly texting/calling this new person?
4. Have you had sex before the third date?
5. Have you talked to them about the future already? Like moving in together, marriage, and kids? And it's only the first month..
6. Have you started obsessing over them and it's only month one?

If you've said yes to any or all of these, you probably move too fast in relationships. It's okay. I do too. I'm guilty of all of these and I have friends who are as well. They are also Bipolar.

I tried looking up research on this topic, Bipolars moving too quickly in relationships. Not much came up. So I'll give my opinions on this one, or at least the reasons on why I think I do it.
 

I told a friend the other day my reasoning. I said the reason I move too fast is because, "I want to make sure there could be a real future with the person and that it could work out before becoming serious with them and actually falling and giving my heart to them." My heart has been broken too many times to count and if having a talk about kids/marriage/politics the first month of talking is too fast for someone than oh well. I'd rather get to know that a person wants the same things as I and has the same ideas as me in the first month, than find out that we have totally opposite views about religion/abortion/children/life a year later.

 

Overly Empathetic

 Think back on this past week. Can you think of more than five times where you were in the same room, same vehicle, same space with someone and their emotions rubbed off on you?

Someone was mad, someone was sad, someone was anxious, someone was happy and you started to feel those emotions as well?

You were being empathetic to them and their emotions. 

This is normal. Everyone, well, most people are somewhat empathetic. But I've started to realize that many of us who are Bipolar are more prone to it, we are almost hyper-empathetic. 

The last couple of weeks I've been away from home and staying at my sister's house. I've noticed my emotions changing more often now because of those I am around. I've learned that those who I am closest with rub off on me more than strangers. My niece, who is also my best friends with, rubs off on me more than anyone. I don't know if it's because I care about her so much or that it's my way of trying to be a best friend/aunt/sister to try to take her emotions away from her and take them on my self even though that really isn't what is happening. Or just that her and I are so close that her emotions just rub off on me. Her girlfriend is Bipolar as well and observing them I've noticed that my my niece's emotions also rub off on her girlfriend very much so as well. 

I've learned to notice when this is happening a lot of the time and to make myself leave the room or put myself in a different head space to cool down if I'm getting angry/stressed/anxious. 

This is also why many of us who are Bipolar can't be friends with those who suffer from Bipolar, the depressive side. We will just be brought down. I think it's a bit of a reason why we tend to hide away when we are in a depressive state too, almost like a shield for others not to get taken down with us. 

I think that being empathetic is a good characteristic to have as a human. It makes us a good friend, and it helps with a lot of jobs. BUT it can be extremely rough to deal with on our souls on a day to day level.

Insecure

What is it? Being uncertain/anxious about thyself, having a lack of confidence.

 Synonyms: lacking confidence, self-doubting, uncertain, apprehensive, timid, worried, hesitant, shaky, troubled, unsure, vulnerable, exposed, unstable, wobbly,

 Things we tend to be insecure about?
Our looks, relationships, school/work, how people judge us by our looks or personality, the future, the past,

 How it affects us and others? Friendships, Relationships, Jobs, life in general.

 Ways to overcome or try to overcome insecurities:
~ Adjust your perspective. Look at your situation from another persons point of view.
~ Write down what is going on, your fears, your feelings.
~ Remember the good things in the situation or in life in general.
~ Be realistic and reasonable. Don't over think.
~ Read affirmations or post them around
~ Stop comparing yourself to others.
~ Communicate, with family, friends, your significant other
~ Try to laugh several times a day and find the bright light and rainbows