Manic Highs vs Manic Lows

High: "At first when I'm high, it's tremendous ... ideas are fast ... like shooting stars you follow until brighter ones appear... All shyness disappears, the right words and gestures are suddenly there ... uninteresting people, things, become intensely interesting. Sensuality is pervasive, the desire to seduce and be seduced is irresistible. Your marrow is infused with unbelievable feelings of ease, power, well-being, omnipotence, euphoria ... you can do anything ...” -unknown

Low: “The fast ideas start coming too fast and there are far too many ... overwhelming confusion replaces clarity ... you stop keeping up with it … memory goes. Infectious humor ceases to amuse. Your friends become frightened ... everything is now against the grain ... you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and trapped.” -unknown

As a Bipolar who either feels Manic highs or lows and is comfortable feeling the middle ground I thought it'd be interesting to show the spectrum a bit.

I was talking to a classmate and he has the extreme high of bipolar where as usually when I am in a mania it's the lower side. It was interesting comparing the differences with him. He said that being on the higher end the way his empathy works is he feels the OPPOSITE of what others feel. At first I thought it would be more comfortable feeling that but then I realized not so much.

As a person who doesn't really feel an even line of emotions without really trying to, my highs and lows are EXTREMES. When I feed on others emotions now it is extreme. If someone is mad, I'm enraged, if someone is sad, I'm extremely depressed. So imagining feeling the extreme opposite of someone would be horrific.

I hope this shows a better understanding of what it's like on the other side of our disorder.

Relationships Pt 2

Hot & Cold
Yes & No
In & Out
Up & Down
Wrong & Right
Black & White



being bipolar and borderline personality i have a hard time maintaining any relationships.

If people get to close I feel like I'm suffocating so I push them away.
If I'm having a bad day, I push people away.
If I feeling lonely I cling to them.

I know I'm a hard person to be in any kind of relationship with.

I feel like I should have a warning label on my head about how complicated and emotionally fucked i am.

Relationships Pt 1

 Pushing Me Away- Linkin Park

I've lied to you
The same way that I always do
This is the last smile
That I'll fake for the sake of being with you

(Everything falls apart
Even the people who never frown
Eventually break down)
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
(Everything has to end
You'll soon find we're out of time left
To watch it all unwind)
The sacrifice is never knowing

Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see your testing me pushes me away

I've tried like you
To do everything you wanted too
This is the last time
I'll take the blame for the sake of being with you

(Everything falls apart
Even the people who never frown
Eventually break down)
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
(Everything has to end
You'll soon find we're out of time left
To watch it all unwind)
The sacrifice is never knowing

Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
(We're all out of time
This is how we find how it all unwinds)
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
(We're all out of time
This is how we find how it all unwinds)
The sacrifice is never knowing
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
Pushes me away

Insight on Bipolar

I was asked to explain Bipolar, and I was going to just simply reply in an email, but... I haven't written here in a while and I think this blog can show some light on what it's like better than I can explain.

I was diagnosed when i was fourteen with bipolar. I had tried to take my life and was sent away to a mental hospital, and that is when the diagnosis was made as well as pills showed up in my life.

Bipolar: Everyone's symptoms vary, I have a friend that when he is manic from bipolar he's extremely angry, for me when I'm manic I'm extremely depressed. It all depends on how our emotions and brain are connected I guess.
For me I like to say I have three main emotions when related to bipolar. Red/Blue/Purple
Red= rage, Blue= depression, Purple= calm, with a good mix of both of those emotions but yet I can control them. Also throughout years of therapy I've learned that my rage is probably just depression I've turned into a different form.

My main symptoms for bipolar are:
RED: insomnia, binge eating at night, restlessness, extremely agitated, over drive in sex drive, I tend to attract towards risky behavior that could really hurt me, my mind wont shut up and i get all these thoughts from different directions, rapid mood shifts, rage episodes, paranoia, vindictive, chaotic,
BLUE: sleeps too much, NO sex drive, suicidal thoughts or tendencies like cutting, EXTREME hopelessness, extreme reactions, emotions are exaggerated and theatrical, feeling of uncertainty of myself and relationships,
PURPLE: talk too fast, sex drive, separation insecurities, over analytical, fears of rejection/abandonment, sensitive, child like, obsessive compulsive, extremely jealous, over analytical of EVERYTHING, Thinks too much,  I move too quickly in relationships, others emotions have a big affect on mine, self sabotaging of relationships and myself, and oh am i indecisive.

^^^ I'm currently somewhat medicated. I'm controlling my meds myself because I felt almost over drugged, I like to FEEL emotions just when I get manic, like last year, I was ready to end my life. So I know I need some sort of medication to help me control my emotions.

I made this last year, kind of like a weather map of sorts explaining how my bipolar works...

Bipolars moving too quickly in relationships

 

If you're Bipolar I have some questions for you...

1. Do you idealize your new date as if they are perfect?
2. Do you think of the new person in your life as the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with? (Planning out the future in your head before actually going on a first real date with them?)
3. Are you constantly texting/calling this new person?
4. Have you had sex before the third date?
5. Have you talked to them about the future already? Like moving in together, marriage, and kids? And it's only the first month..
6. Have you started obsessing over them and it's only month one?

If you've said yes to any or all of these, you probably move too fast in relationships. It's okay. I do too. I'm guilty of all of these and I have friends who are as well. They are also Bipolar.

I tried looking up research on this topic, Bipolars moving too quickly in relationships. Not much came up. So I'll give my opinions on this one, or at least the reasons on why I think I do it.
 

I told a friend the other day my reasoning. I said the reason I move too fast is because, "I want to make sure there could be a real future with the person and that it could work out before becoming serious with them and actually falling and giving my heart to them." My heart has been broken too many times to count and if having a talk about kids/marriage/politics the first month of talking is too fast for someone than oh well. I'd rather get to know that a person wants the same things as I and has the same ideas as me in the first month, than find out that we have totally opposite views about religion/abortion/children/life a year later.

 

Overly Empathetic

 Think back on this past week. Can you think of more than five times where you were in the same room, same vehicle, same space with someone and their emotions rubbed off on you?

Someone was mad, someone was sad, someone was anxious, someone was happy and you started to feel those emotions as well?

You were being empathetic to them and their emotions. 

This is normal. Everyone, well, most people are somewhat empathetic. But I've started to realize that many of us who are Bipolar are more prone to it, we are almost hyper-empathetic. 

The last couple of weeks I've been away from home and staying at my sister's house. I've noticed my emotions changing more often now because of those I am around. I've learned that those who I am closest with rub off on me more than strangers. My niece, who is also my best friends with, rubs off on me more than anyone. I don't know if it's because I care about her so much or that it's my way of trying to be a best friend/aunt/sister to try to take her emotions away from her and take them on my self even though that really isn't what is happening. Or just that her and I are so close that her emotions just rub off on me. Her girlfriend is Bipolar as well and observing them I've noticed that my my niece's emotions also rub off on her girlfriend very much so as well. 

I've learned to notice when this is happening a lot of the time and to make myself leave the room or put myself in a different head space to cool down if I'm getting angry/stressed/anxious. 

This is also why many of us who are Bipolar can't be friends with those who suffer from Bipolar, the depressive side. We will just be brought down. I think it's a bit of a reason why we tend to hide away when we are in a depressive state too, almost like a shield for others not to get taken down with us. 

I think that being empathetic is a good characteristic to have as a human. It makes us a good friend, and it helps with a lot of jobs. BUT it can be extremely rough to deal with on our souls on a day to day level.

Insecure

What is it? Being uncertain/anxious about thyself, having a lack of confidence.

 Synonyms: lacking confidence, self-doubting, uncertain, apprehensive, timid, worried, hesitant, shaky, troubled, unsure, vulnerable, exposed, unstable, wobbly,

 Things we tend to be insecure about?
Our looks, relationships, school/work, how people judge us by our looks or personality, the future, the past,

 How it affects us and others? Friendships, Relationships, Jobs, life in general.

 Ways to overcome or try to overcome insecurities:
~ Adjust your perspective. Look at your situation from another persons point of view.
~ Write down what is going on, your fears, your feelings.
~ Remember the good things in the situation or in life in general.
~ Be realistic and reasonable. Don't over think.
~ Read affirmations or post them around
~ Stop comparing yourself to others.
~ Communicate, with family, friends, your significant other
~ Try to laugh several times a day and find the bright light and rainbows 

Commitment Phobia/ Self Sabotage Relationships

          

Commitment Phobia... who knew there was such a thing. Turns out that many bipolars believe that the hardest part of being in a relationship with others is that we have a fear/phobia of those who we are to get close to in the relationship, the relationship itself, or the commitment. 

I know what if the phobia is related to..
✯ self-worth
✯ overthinking issues
✯ past experiences (being cheated on/heart broken.)
✯ Anxieties
✯ Fear of not finding the perfect/ "right" person
✯ Trust issues
✯ Previous trauma/ abuse
✯ Attachment issues/ unmet needs as a child
✯ Complicated family problems
✯ Whatever else

          

Ways we tend to self sabotage:
💣 Making up excuses as to why it won't work and believing them
💣 Making up a fantasy in our brains and living it. The illusions that bipolars are known for.
💣 Being overly critical of ourselves/our partner
💣 Avoiding honestly and open communication/ shutting them out
💣 Being sneaky or not trusting from the beginning
💣 Playing the parent
💣 Being thoughtless
💣 Comparing your relationship to past relationships or comparing yourself to his ex's
💣 Indecisiveness
💣 Testing them to see how much they can take
💣 Jealousy
💣 Asking for too much too fast/moving too fast
💣 Clingy-ness/neediness
💣 Focusing only on sex
💣 And
💣 Much
💣 Much
💣 More.

Binge Eating and Bipolar

Something I have struggled with on and off all my life is binge eating. I didn't learn till my late teens that it's an actual eating disorder.

Those with Bipolar tend to have interesting eating habits when they are having an episode or are in a mania, whether high or low. It's either eating nothing or everything. For me, it's everything.




I'm not even hungry most of the time. I just eat everything in sight until I feel so full. And after I feel like shit and hate myself and disgusted for doing it but yet I do it again and again because I'm basically addicted to food right now.

Thank you Bipolar for fucking with me like this.

Loving a Bipolar.

You know how they say that love can be a roller coaster? Imagine being on a roller coaster that goes to the highest mountain and then swoops down to the lowest cave, and is constantly moving up and down. To the clouds and under the ground. A few parts of the ride have the steady even pace to try to even out the insane ups and downs but it will never ever really be evened out.

That's how I feel it is like to be in a relationship with those of us who are Bipolar, at least most of us.

When you get on the coaster, you think you have an idea of what comes along with the ride, but until you're on it, you really have no idea.
 

  The coaster could be month to month, week to week, day to day, hour to hour, or even quicker. Depending on the day, the time of the year, the emotional state, how well the person is dealing with their bipolar, it all just depends.

It takes a strong person to love and accept a bipolar. Those of us with bipolar tend to hurt those we care about the most. Not purposely, I promise you this. We know it's hard to love us and we apologize in advance.

When you fall for a person with bipolar it's red or blue, and sometimes purple. High, Low, Steady. Mood swings, insecurities, aggression, sadness, restlessness/irritability, impulsiveness, unpredictability, over thinking, fear, depression, loss of interest, anxiety, hyper and hypo activity, sleeping and eating issues... The list goes on. It's hard enough for us to deal with our own-selves, let alone having someone accept us.

We know it's rough. And we don't want to be fixed. We want someone to accept our flaws like everyone else. We know that having this emotional/mental illness is one of the last things someone wants on their plate, but we deserve love just as much as a mentally/emotionally healthy person. In fact, we actually feel (most of us anyways) that we deserve it even more. Give us security, give us love, give us a chance.

-Happy Pills/Jollie Jellies-

A common issue with most bipolars is that we don't want to be medicated. Either because we feel we don't need it initially, we are on a high and feel we don't need it anymore, we don't want to be medicated our whole lives, we don't like the affects of the medications, or others.

The problem is, being bipolar is like being a Diabetic, we HAVE to take our medication or else we will eventually have horrible things happen to us as a result.

The crazy thing, as much as most of us know this, from experience, we still go off our meds frequently.

Another sucky thing is, often times when you are bipolar, you not only have to take Bipolar, mood stabilizer pills but you also need to take antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds as well. The biggest reason for this is when someone has a bipolar episode they suffer from manic depression.

So I've made a few things. First is a chart. It has a list Mood Stabilizers, Anti-Depressants and Anti-Anxiety pills. In each chart the medication that is bolded are medications I know for sure I've been prescribed to since I started this whole journey. I know I've been on more but I can't remember the names of everything. Those that are highlighted are what I am on now.



Honestly I don't really feel THAT different when I'm on medication negative wise. I feel more stable, that's for sure. I do go off it here and there for a few weeks at a time or so just so I can feel those insane highs, but with highs come lows. And once the lows come I go back on the meds. I know it's not safe what I do. I went cold turkey off all my meds last year and almost killed myself, I had withdraw symptoms. I never knew that you could get withdraw from going off mood stabilizers, but you can. It feels like SHIT. I know that in order for me to be healthy emotionally and physically I have to be medicated. I KNOW this. Trust me I know this.

But I also know that I like to feel all the colors of the rainbow, per say. Sometimes I wish I could ask my doctor to lower my dosages just so I could feel the bipolar more. I know that sounds crazy, or maybe it doesn't to those who suffer from it. I was given these emotions, and I have had them for over ten years. I believe that God gives us things that only we are strong enough to handle. So why not really FEEL for once, but safely. I feel like if I bring this up to someone who is a professional they will say I am crazy.
What do you think?



Next is this silly thing I made on why many of us don't like to be medicated, or stay medicated. I know there are other reasons, these were just things I have said before and hear a lot from friends and family.




I wish that those with bipolar could live without being medicated, but I honestly don't believe we could live without medication. This is something we have no control of, it's a chemical imbalance in our brains. So unless they come out with something they can zap our brains with to fix it (though I'm not sure I want to be fixed.) then I don't believe that one with manic highs and lows can ever live a safe, full, happy life without some kind of medication to help.




Now something to make you laugh:

Indecisiveness

So it looks like I'm going to be updating this when I realize I am doing said behavior of topic. lol, so I will be the guinea pig of my own blog.

I'm pretty sure the whole emotions changing all the time doesn't help with us keeping our mind set on something. Especially when it's a decision based upon our emotions. People have a field day with me because of my constant change of mind. But I'm not in the same constant state of mind. Males especially, because it's with them where my emotions play a huge part and therefore my indecisiveness is right there. I'm like the bull where a male is waving that red flag. I go head on starting but as soon as the flag goes down my emotions change and I rethink what I just decided upon and as soon as the red flag comes back up, it's another mentality due to emotional switching.





"Indecision is just one of many possible cognitive deficits brought about by bipolar disorder. It is most often associated with the depressive phases of manic depression, something ironed out of irony itself as this is a phase when sufferers must be able to act and progress forward. You can never get out of a rut if you can never decide on things that conceive the rut around you." -http://twopartshealth.com/mental-health/bipolar-disorder/indecision-an-arduous-bipolar-symptom/

So... how does one with bipolar fix their indecisiveness? Well I know how to fix my situation I just choose not to.



And this is where being a human being comes to play. Do you follow your heart or your brain?

Do you do what you know is right for you or do you keep jumping onto the merry go round for something that gives you anxiety up the wa-zoo and stresses out other people because you are constantly changing your mind?

I think it really depends on the situation. If it's REALLY important, then most of us, even those of us who are hard headed, will do what is right and leave the situation... but if it's something that your life doesn't depend on like a life or death situation or money or something that will affect your life strongly in the long run, (though it may and we have no idea...) then, if you are like me, you'll play this stupid game.

I know when I am being indecisive, I'll tell the person too, even though it's blatantly obvious. It's like I'm wearing a bright yellow shirt that says, "HELLO, My name is Indecisive."



Another fix? you know what is always suggested for those with bipolar.



Then there is the backtracking. Figure out what caused this "episode" or mixed feelings and mixed thoughts.



And of course, don't over think something. I'll make an entry about that soon. We bipolars...


over think WAY too much and that gets us in trouble.

So in closing, yes... those of us with Bipolar can be EXTREMELY indecisive. Most of the time we are COMPLETELY aware of it too. It also TOTALLY frustrates us as much as those on the other side.

Weird Sex Swings

hypersexual one hour and has no sex drive the next?


Well, the way I see it, we all, whether we have a mental illness or not, have some kind of split personality syndrome. Some of us act like a totally different person with different groups of people, online vs offline, at work vs home. Various reasons, various things, have different parts of our personalities rule over us.

That's kind of what I consider this. It's to me, a type of Bipolar/BPD sexual split personality.

Sometimes those of us have two different personalities, one for when we are turned on/horny, and another for when we are well, in a not so sexual mind set.

When one is in a turned on/horny mind set feelings tend to be:

• Extreme hypersexuality
• Spontaneous
• Reckless
• Impulsive
• Attention Seeking
• More self focus or focus on pleasuring the person they are with (The Dom vs sub mentality)

But as fast as those feelings come, and the persona as one could call it appears, it quickly fades once a person hits an orgasm. The "high" from the sex fades.

It can be extremely annoying and it gives off mixed signals.



So if you are with someone who seems to go from being extremely sexual to not sexual at all, they might be like this. Trust me, it's as frustrating for them, as it is for you.